say so myself. All joking aside I wanted to talk about a not so pretty part of my life in this blog post as I finally feel comfortable enough to discuss it. Remember how i
n one of my previous blog posst I spoke about how I went from 13st to 9st 7 and there was pretty dark period in between that journey? Well, today, I'm centering in on that dark period.
Flash back here to Summer 2013, I had just finished my AS levels at sixth form and after many years of bullying about my weight and my size. I had decided I had had enough of looking in the mirror everyday and hating what I saw. especially after this picture was taken at a Pierce the Veil concert. I was literally disgusted with the size I had gotten too. I knew many
years of stress eating, emotional eating and binge eating had caused it. I probably ate somewhere in the region of 4,000 calories a day, most of which I probably did in a single sitting. So what did I do about it? A few days after this picture was taken I stepped on a scale for the first time in a few years and read the dreaded 13st that flashed up on the screen. So after a few google searches on weight loss tips, I downloaded the app myfitnesspal and began counting my calories, eating around 1,200 calories a day and going on walks round the park. Over a few months my weight dropped to a decent 10st 10lbs and I remember plateauing at that weight for quite a while, I had also joined a gym at that point but had no real idea on what I was doing most of the time, haha!But, this was the point where, in hindsight, I noticed something was wrong with me, I became obsessive over the amount of calories in certain foods, and became obsessed with the idea of clean eating and anything that wasn't a vegetable, fruit, nut or a piece of meat was practically toxic to my body! I remember nearly crying over my mum's home cooked food (Sorry, Mum!) because it had breadcrumbs on it or something ridiculous.healing. I know I'm using humor here to cover up how bad things really got, I would be killing myself on cardio machines in the gym, eating around 600 calories of food a day, I remember fainting a couple of times because of it. But, I was happy, for the first time in my life people were calling my skinny, thin and usually the word beautiful or pretty would be combined with it, even those that used to bully me for my weight were asking my how I did it. Truth be told, I was developing an eating disorder, people don't like me using that term because I was never formally diagnosed or admitted into hospital, my BMI was still in a healthy range but the way my mind worked was that of someone with anorexia, my only focus in life were food (and how little I could get away with eating) and losing more weight but no matter how much I lost I was still "fat" and I never felt good enough. Within the period of a month, I dropped 17lbs and weighed 9st 7, during this time I had also undergone leg surgery and my bones just weren't getting enough nutrients to heal so it was a very long process of healing.
I can't actually find any suitable pictures (at the moment) of me at the time but I know there are a few floating around on Facebook. I removed most of them because I realised, I looked ill, I looked grey and I looked terribly gaunt in the face. I claimed that I was healthy and fit, in reality, I was just under eating and over exercising. Not a good balance. Flashing forward too today... Literally today. This next pictureI weighed myself this morning, I weigh 11st 3 and still fit into size 10/12 clothes, when I was at 13st I was wearing size 18 clothes and at 9st 7 I was wearing 8/10 clothes but in all honesty, I don't care about the label on my clothes. I lift weights a few times a week, might do some cardio and conditioning if I'm in the mood, I eat when I feel hungry, I just try and get a high protein diet but for once in my life - I AM HAPPY! Just all round happy, I'm finally at peace with my body. I love it and what it can do, it can pull it's own body weight off the floor and squat it too. It it strong and wonderful. Plus, I can eat as many doughnuts as I like (in moderation of course ;) ), hence the title.
I wanted to make this part of my life known. Not for praise, pride or recognition, but to let people know that they're not alone and you can gets yourself out of dark places like this, you can over come an eating disorder, I was lucky that I had the best family and friends ever to get me through it but there are so many organisations out there that are ready and willing to help you. And to anyone reading this, please don't hesitate to message me and I'm always here for anyone that reads these blogs.
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