Mirtazapine And Me: 1 Month Down and A Rant...

It seems like yesterday I was sat in the Doctor's offices hearing him talk me through what Mirtazapine will do, and how it will help me get over the restlessness caused by depression. It's been a rough month of mid-semester exams, coursework, trying to balance a social life and all whilst being knocked out and asleep by 9 in the evening. Yes, my dear readers, you read that correctly, I was asleep by 9pm most evenings during this first month. Although, I'm not complaining I wake up naturally at around 7-8am nowadays and I feel like I've actually had a decent nights sleep. Woo!

I'm finding the only problem with Mirtazapine is that it gives me the WORST munchies! I can't even begin to describe how hungry I was the first day I took it, although this part of it is dying off I've put on a ridiculous 13lbs in a month and a half, luckily I have been going to the gym a lot more since I've been feeling better and I know a little bit of that is muscle but not all of it. So right now I'm on a mission to lose this weight and a little bit more by the time I fly out to Canada in June. At current, I've lost 3lbs and I've got 10 more to go but since I go back to university tomorrow I'll have better access to the gym and I'll be gritting my teeth and upping the cardio that's for sure.

Now it's time for my rant. The other day someone said "you can't be depressed, you're always smiling!" I'm sorry


WHAT....

Yes, somebody actually said to me "you can't be depressed, you're always smiling!" At that moment in time, I laughed it off, if I'm honest, I can't actually remember how I reacted but in the moments following I felt A plethora of different emotions. First it was guilt, what if I'm not actually depressed? What if I'm just completely incompetent at dealing with negative emotions? But I answered myself with the fact that my doctor wouldn't of diagnosed me if he thought I was just an over emotional pms'ing female. Secondly, there was anger at this person's lack of education on the subject and the comment they just made!

See, the thing is, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, or MDD for short. A unipolar depressive disorder, in other words, when it hits, it hits hard and takes me down with it. Unlike with bipolar where you feel both euphoria and depression and before none says it, I'm not trying to say one is worse than the other, they're both awful. But I just wanted to highlight the differences for you beautiful readers. But what people still are struggling to realise is that depression isn't just feeling sad! Although that's a defining trait there are so many other characteristics. For me, it manifests itself with lack of sleep, lack of appetite, a complete disinterest in just about everything, my anxiety gets absolutely unbearable to such an extent I'm get terrified to leave my own room or my own home. It means waking up with a weight in your chest that can even make your own breathing feel taxing. Anyway, rant over but in summary - stop assuming depression is just feeling sad, it's just literal hell, especially when you're like me - a normally active, happy and busy person. 

But since I've been on Mirtazapine everything's just been getting better, slowly but surely, I'm sleeping better at night, I'm not napping in the day and I'm getting a lot more work done. I can't deny that my grades took a hit at the end of lasts semester and I came out with predominantly 2:1s but actually, I'm okay with that, I'm actually really proud of that! Because I'm giving everything all I possibly can without running myself completely into the ground. I'm finding balance for the first time ever. And that's the update really, I'm getting better but I'm not quite out of the woods yet!