Mirtazapine and Me: We're back here again

Wow, that was officially the most depressing blog title I could ever have conjured up. 10 points to Rebecca for that one. I noticed recently I have been far, far too wrapped in work to even update my blog. So, tonight's the night. Hola gente hermosa! Please don't hate me too much for not writing. 20 points for whoever translates the spanish in any of my blog posts, I'm slowly learning more. Answers on a post card.

It's been a while since I've done a mental health post and that's for two reasons. Firstly, back in the summer I made the decision to come off of my medication because I was in quite frankly one of the most amazing places in my life, physically and mentally. Secondly and more recently, I'm in perhaps one of the lower places in my life. Not the lowest though, the lowest was when I first started on my medication this time last year. Yeah, that wasn't pretty. Anyway, I digress. I haven't wanted to do a post on mental health because I've always viewed this blog as showing the positives in life and how to deal with mental health and view it in a positive manner, or at least as positive as it could be. This post is designed to show you all the more honest side of things.

We all fall off the wagon, in some way, whether it's a diet plan, a project, studying or in a job. We all do, we can all agree on that one. I fell off the wagon at the latter end of September and the early start of October. Due to the stress of coming back to university and the sobering reality that I wasn't living my beautiful, crazy, island life anymore. Morph and the black dog hit me, hard. I found the first month and a half of uni immensely difficult, not in terms of content or deadlines but because I was scared that I was falling back into a dark place. I had grown scared of taking my medication, I had grown scared of reaching out for help. I just wanted to run, I had many thoughts of dropping out and I'm not ashamed to admit that. 

I'm very glad to say I'm out that phase, thanks to some very fantastic people; to my mum and dad for reassuring me that no matter what decision I would've chosen, you would've been proud, to the faculty rep at the university for giving me a massive wake-up call, although you may not of realised it at the time but you encouraging me to go for the course rep position re-ignited the fire in me keep going, you reminded me of the passion that 6 year old Rebecca had. And brought that passion back to 20 year old Rebecca. To my course mates, for being the beautiful people that you are and giving me the support network that I needed, I love you all dearly.

Now that I am out of the woods, almost, I'm taking my medication properly again. I've got renewed drive to succeed in my degree and just win at life. I've come out with my first 1st of the year in an exam last week, I've gotten heavily involved in the university's sub-aqua club and am currently helping in planning the international trip for January 2017, I have the opportunity to go Malaysia in September next year. And how could I forget, I'm going back to my beloved island for 5 weeks in the summer.

Even as I'm writing this post, I'm feeling much more positive about everything, laying it out on paper has made me realise that I have so much to look forward too and so much to give this year.

It's been a hard few months, I won't lie. However, I realise that even in the darkest of moments, I still have my scrappy doo attitude to life, there is no point giving up everything I have worked so hard for until this moment, there was no point in just taking the easy way out. If you take anything from this blog post, guapa, just remember, that no matter how dark it gets, no matter how bleak it feels, there is no shame in reaching out, it will help you immensely, and you will get through this.

As always, if you read this and you feel low, or sad or just want a vent, please do not hesitate to contact me.

2nd Year Begins. (The Return, Now It's Personal...)

So, lovely readers, we can now get back to usual proceedings in my blogging. Yes, it's the return of lists, it's the return of goals, it's return and this year, it's personal. Much love to my Dad for inspiring this blog and it's title. And to my brother, if you're reading this you will get your blog soon. In fact it's about to be written after this one and put on a schedule to be posted in the next few days. Muchos love.

I digress (Wow, we truly are back to normal proceedings.)  But yes my 1st semester of my second year back here in home sweet Hull has begun and I'm thoroughly enjoying my new modules thus far, they are actually something that I want to chase in my life. As promised though, this will be in list format and in that list it's time to outline some goals, and a quick review of all the goals I put up in my first blog about university life last year. Drum roll please...

The Magical, Mystical list of Rebecca's goals this year!

Numero Uno - Firsts All Round.

Yes, I am still chasing my goals to come out of my degree with first class honours, I've had the warnings from my peers that I'm going to burn out this year. And yet again, I will choose to disregard them, sorry guys, I know you say it in kindness. First year taught me a lot about myself and the way I operate, I know that I can push myself to almost (almost being the key word here.) to breaking point and still come out of the other side. In fact, I have no fear in ending every day exhausted but having achieved something because I know how worth it it will be. I also have something now that I didn't exactly have in the beginning of last year and that's an absolutely fantastic team of course mates who are as driven as I am, And I genuinely don't give them enough credit for how amazing they are. So guys, this one's for you. *raises mug of tea* 

Numero Dos - Stumpy.

Those who know me well enough, and one customer in Gran Canaria who allowed me to witter on about one thing that I am truly and utterly passionate about (Thanks Jacqueline!) And that's Stumpy the Orca. To put it in very brief terms, Stumpy is an Orca located in the Norwegian Fjords. Researchers can only but guess that she was involved in a collision involving some form a speed boat. This has caused him to lose most of her dorsal fin and immense damage to her back. This, as you can imagine folks, is severely debilitating for an organism that has to eat such an immense amount of food to survive, and travel massive distances in their lifetime. Things weren't looking great for this young Orca. However, he has been seen with no less than 5 other orca pods. And wait for it, the coolest thing is every pod knows how to look after Stumpy in some way, whether it's stunning fish and bringing it too him, or half eating a fish and giving it to Stumpy. This altruistic behaviour is rarely seen anywhere else in the Animal Kingdom, especially by other pods or families of the same species. Within a module of 2nd year and I am able to write an essay on any form of any behaviour that interests me.

This is it.

Numero Tres - Looking Ahead.

To follow on nicely from my last point. I have been thinking one hell of a lot lately what I would like to study for my masters degree and then hopefully for PhD. And that's Animal behaviour and looking more in depth at stumpy's case study and case studies of other Orcas with a similar issue, And hopefully go on to to looking at more of a reason as to why this occurs. I have a few theories form the research I've been doing but I have a few people I need to run this past first.... slight problem of having to survive my degree first and then get funding... yep.

Numero Quatro - Dive into it

Ha, can you see what I did there. Ah, okay, I'll sit here smiling silently to myself. But I'm currently ready and waiting to begin my volunteer post as a Dive Master with my local dive shop, and I can't wait. The BCD has been dry for too long and I need to get back to being used to wearing a dry suit, plus I just have a natural yearning now for diving. I basically just need to grow gills, this is the level we have reached ladies and gents.

I believe these are my key goals for this academic year, and well, academic life. Plus I'm struggling to recall all the spanish numbers to make my points with, whoops. But I've decided not to create a list of goals as long as my arm this year. I achieved what I wanted to do last year and that's get my 1st in first year and by hell or high water, I'm going to do it again this year. That's very simply my one goal and I have to keep that central to everything right now. For the sake of Stumpy! Kinda... That's just what I keep telling myself anyway.


Fin.

Who is Becca?

It's nearly 1am here in Hull, I'm sat in the kitchen alone, hearing the noises of a new home. The creaking of the floorboards, although strangely, nobody is moving. But in this almost silence, I'm very much deep in thought and it's thoughts I wanted to write down.

Throughout my entire 20 years and a few months on this earth, I have never liked my name being shortened. The line "It's not Becky, it's not Bec, it's Rebecca." Falling from my mouth in a very similar fashion and tone as my mother. But in recent months, I have accepted Becca as a more tolerable alternative. Predominantly because customers in Gran Canaria just defaulted to calling me Becca, why, I have no idea whatsoever. This began to become the running joke in my family, that when I'm in that wet suit I'm "Becca the Dive Master." It's suddenly got me thinking over the last few days, what's in a name? There's a lot more to Becca then Rebecca. People always used to ask me how I'm so confident in situations like public speaking or meeting new people, despite the anxiety problem. It is immensely easy to fake being confident, it's very easy to put on a mask and the more you do it, the more natural it becomes and the more you adopt it into your normal persona.

And that above, is the whole point of this blog post. I have adopted "Becca" as my persona. You see, when I was in that wet suit, when I was Becca, I had so much confidence, I could brief a full boat of people and be confident about it, I could conduct introduction dives and have a laugh and a joke whilst doing so, I could put people at ease when I was diving with them (Shout out to the Italian family I did a double tank dive with, you guys were fab!) I have noticed ore an more recently that I'm transferring a lot of the "Becca" traits into my "normal" life back on land. I stand a little taller, I'm a heck of a lot more confident and eloquent when putting new ideas to a group of people, I can now handle most situations, I can even make and receive phone calls to people I don't know, - level up!

By putting myself in a situation that I knew would be uncomfortable in the beginning, I have completely changed myself and my outlook on life. I like to believe that Becca is a cooler person *puts on shades* No? Okay... Anyway, but Becca is the person that 13 year old me always wanted to be, the girl with the nose ring, the slightly blondish hair that doesn't ever really fall right, the girl who is always planning her next adventure, the girl who will ever give up on her dreams.

To try and round off this blog post, and to allow you, dear reader, to take something from it. I want people who are scared of social situations, scared of doing that presentation in class next week, or maybe, like me, you get a little bit nervous when it comes to paying for you shopping at the till. To make a persona for yourself, it doesn't even have to have a name, just create that version of yourself that you want to be, to create the self-fulfilling prophecy. And soon you will be conducting that presentation or even talking to that cashier with more ease and confidence.

Until the next post, guys, be good and be safe.

Moving On

This blog post is going to be a little bit different in comparison to the ones I've done before. There won't be any lists, just me chattering away about how life has been in the last few months, why I haven't been blogging too much and my new goals and ambitions. It's been a perspective changing few months and I've had a really hard time readjusting back to normal life. This is partially why I haven't been blogging too much in the last few weeks either, I don't want to let go of the happiness I felt when I was over in Gran Canaria, I found the lifestyle for me, I found the career path for me and I didn't want to have to face the fact it's over. But this is where that famous quote comes in - "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it's happened." And I'm trying my best to keep smiling because it's happened but it's hard. I've tried to write the blog posts summarising the last few weeks that I was out there but I can never finish them. This will probably be quite a short blog post due to the fact that I just want to complete one and get it out there following such a long hiatus.

So I'm going to try now. Yes, I'm now a PADI certified Dive Master, I finally completed the stress test without killing off Ryan, or completely emptying the tank, I could conduct introductory dives for customers on my own and although there were a few teething errors in the beginning in, I was getting better and better every time. I als achieved something that I thought I never would whilst I was out there. I'm now also a Discover Scuba Diving leader.This means I can conduct the PADI Discover Scuba Diving session by myself now. In order to get this certification I had to conduct 4 DSDs under the supervision of a PADI instructor (Big applause for Sam who saw me through these!) I conducted one in the middle of the 8 weeks, although this was a apart of my Dive master internship to see if I would be interested in being a DSD leader.

To cut a long story short, my next DSD would be to the most difficult customer I would ever face and that was my own Dad (I would also like to add after I had taught my Dad on his DSD, we had the amazing opportunity to see how to teach 5 DSDs at once, thank you to Ryan and Sam for letting me part of that, it's certainly taught me a lot about logistics!). During my last week out in GC I had one hell of surprise when my parents facetime me and then pan the camera round to show me a beautiful picture of Anfi beach behind them. After crying considerably and regaining some composure I ran from patalavaca to Anfi. It was an absolutely amazing experience and I'm truly blessed to have parents as understanding as them - To such an extent they were fully prepared for me to turn around at the end of that week and say I wouldn't be going back with them,

This leads me on nicely to both my short term and long term goals. As much as it was immensely tempting to stay in Gran Canaria and become an instructor, university has to come first and it always will. So my main goal right now is to absolute smash my degree and come out with a first, then at the end of the next two years, I will be ready to go back to Scuba Sur and begin my IDC. However, there are some things I'm ding in the middle now that will keep me ticking over. I'm now a member of the Above and Below dive team here in Hull and I will soon begin assisting them with pool sessions and hopefully out on some dives too! Through them my goal by the end of this academic year and before I go back to gran Canaria for a holiday next year is to become an Assistant Instructor and hopefully get my EFR instructor done too, they're effectively the pre-requisites for becoming a PADI instructor, so I'm doing this in stages, and I really can't wait to see what the next chapter of my life brings. All I know is I've found my calling in life and I will chase it, and nobody will stop me.

My time as a DMT and in the latter stages of the 8 weeks as a DM has been the most educational and thrilling experience of my life, I cannot thank my Scuba Sur family enough for all the individual lessons you taught me. I'm going to end this blog post here for now but I'm settling back into uni life at the moment, waiting for lectures to start - I can't wait to get stuck in! Bring it all on. Until next time, dear reader, be good.

The Diver's Log: Confidence (And my lack of)

Hello again beautiful people! It's that time of the week again where I round up how my third week as a DMT has been. As a major starting point I can say that I'm now having consistent better days. By this I mean that things aren't entirely perfect yet, and we still have a lot of polishing to do in terms of my briefings, my skills and a whole lot of work to do on my sense of direction. The thought of guiding a dive in the near future is quite frankly terrifying me. Then again, two weeks ago I never thought I would have the confidence to sit in front of a group of divers and deliver a briefing, I now do it quite a few times a week and I'm also now able to give briefings, debriefings and guide snorkelling trips. I suppose that's what this week's blog post will be about - Confidence.

Now before I begin I would just like to point out that what I say in the next few paragraphs isn't a sob story or a pity party, it's just some background to my life so you can understand how I've reached this point in my life. After a conversation with my brother this morning he made a very interesting point of saying how much I've grown as a person in such a short space of time. Let's rewind here, back around 12 years. I went through all of my primary school life and a little bit into my secondary life coping with being bullied. Every. damn. day. Because I was "the fat kid" because I was clumsy, because I was odd, I was different. That destroyed any self-esteem I had well into my late teens. I can remember clearly my mother sending me to a self-esteem help "club" for children when I was about 8 or 9, just to try and help me get my confidence back and over time and little by little I suppose I did. I certainly developed a front of confidence so that I could protect myself should any other bully come along I was lucky that they didn't and I have the most amazing friends and family in the world.

I digress, back to the comment my brother made - that in 4 years I've gone from being this girl who would rarely leave the house, who was very sheltered and struggled to be away from her family for too long. University came along and I had to adapt and I did to an extent, I still suffered terribly with anxiety and depression but I worked through it. I look at where I am now compared to 4 years ago and I'm genuinely amazed. I never dreamed I would travel 2,000 miles by myself, let alone be working in a foreign country. But I'm here and I'm doing it and just that in it's own right makes me immensely proud of myself and I'm not afraid to admit that.

I never believed in my life that I would be able (to some extent) handle some of the logistics of the dive operation, such as making up the boxes, weight belts, making sure there's enough tanks loaded. Being able to talk to customers so freely and so confidently and actually feel this damn good about myself and what I'm doing. I got so used to asking people "Did I get it? Was I right?" and they would always respond with "ah kinda, you're close but not quite." At this point in life I have people telling me that I'm doing a good job, that I'm improving by the minute. Yes, okay, I'm not perfect but I have never felt this validated in my life. An I know that the only way is up from here.

I guess I have my team to thank for all of this; To Colin for being the best mentor anybody could ask for, for constantly pushing me to be the best I can be, we may have a lot left to do but we're going to smash this together! To Dave for being the gaffer, the boss of the base and for always being around to offer a hug, some kind words and for knowing how to cheer me up (usually there's chocolate involved.) To Sam, for well just being Sam, you sir have a wicked sense of humour and you inspire me everyday with your sheer ambition to succeed.
And last but not least to the lovely Ryan, thank you for teaching me everything you know about casting out the anchor, even though I can never get it exactly right, so you're amazing for putting up with a clutz like me.

And now none of you can say I don't mention you in my blogs. ;)

The Diver's Log: Night dives, Briefings and Stairs...

So, I tried to do a blog post title based off of "Lions and Tigers and Bears" close enough, right? Anyway, today we can celebrate my survival of my second week as Scuba Sur's DMT. It's been an interesting week to say the least but in my own opinion, crossed with the words of others and the lack of bollockings from my mentor towards the end of the week; I do believe I'm starting to show some improvements. I certainly haven't blown any O rings off of cylinders this week and I've remembered my weight belt everyday *Insert fist pump here* (Sorry, Mum.)

I should probably tell you all what exactly being a DMT involves. Let's just roll this back a bit, a DMT stands for Dive Master Trainee. Now as a trainee there are lots of things I have to be able to do to gain the magical mystical title of a Dive Master. There's a few main elements so just allow me to explain them all briefly:

 Timed Swims:

It's probably not much of a shock to you all but you have to be relatively good swimmer in order to become a Dive Master. You have to swim 400m without any scuba equipment and then 800m without the use of your arms but with fins, mask and snorkel. During the 800m your face must be in the water for the whole of the exercise, unless you are taking a quick look up to check your direction. It took me a couple of attempts to get my 800m time down but after nearly killing some poor old gentlemen because he swam directly in front of me even though he had the whole beach to himself. I'm happy to say I've ticked off both of these timed swims. The only thing left for my time swims now is a 100m rescue tow, sounds easy but when you're in full scuba gear, I can assure you it's exhausting.

In addition to the timed swims there is also a treading water exercise but I was given full marks for that; Thank you RLSS for putting me through the 15 minutes of treading water sessions with arms extended.

The Stress Test:

If I called the equipment exchange exercise where you trade mask, fins and BCD with a buddy then you would probably look a me and say it's not stressful. However, there is one very important element to the stress test. There is only one "operational" regulator. You are sharing a regulator with your buddy. And this is the point where I would like to formally apologise to Ryan for ever so nearly drowning him by taking too many breaths. I hated this exercise when I first did it but after some practice attempts with my mentor of just taking the BCD off and him being in control of my regs I can hopefully say that the next attempt Ryan and myself make should be much better.

24 Skills Circuit: 

Skills tests, if you're a diver on any level you will know that in order to complete a course you have to complete a certain amount of skills so you have the appropriate training for your appropriate level. Mine consists of 20 open Water course skills and 4 PADI skin diver course skills. I wouldn't mind just having to do the skills but it has been over a year since I've had to perform some of the skills and I have to get them up to demonstration standard before I can pass. So by hell or high water (and with the help of my mentor and some youtube videos) I can and will get there.

Including all of the above being to satisfactory standard you have to have at last 60 dives to pass but we've nearly surpassed the half way mark for 19 days of being here so that's not too bad really. Then there's also a theory element and a final exam.

So apart from practicing all of my DM skills, timed swims and the notorious stress test this week has been fantastic for me in terms of breaking down some serious walls in terms of my anxiety. About three days ago my mentor announced to me I would be giving the pre-dive briefing to customers about a dive site called Bahia Lila. I was terrified, I've usually been pretty good with public speaking but this was different, or at least it felt that way. But the time came around for me to give my first briefing and it was going well until I sat down on the boat afterwards. "Shoot, I forgot about lost buddy procedures." I was lucky in this instance because we were diving with experienced divers and they had been warned this was my first briefing. The next day came around and I gave the briefing again and this time I'm pretty sure I covered everything because so far neither the boss nor my mentor has pulled me up for missing anything. Brownie points for Goodwin.

The other wall I managed to smash down was my fear of night dives, when I was doing my advanced open water course last year I had the chance to do a night dive but the fear of getting disorientated was too much and I opted to do something else. So after skipping last week's night dive due to a confidence crisis, it took 3 instructors to convince me to go for the experience and I'm honestly so glad I did because after a few minutes of working out my buoyancy I loved it, the sighting of a grand puffer fish and a massive sting ray just absolutely had me made up. Ever seen an over excited marine biologist before?

Just as a side note to my fellow divers, be aware of your tank positioning because if you should slip and fall down a set of near vertical stairs into the water below, it could save your back, I was very lucky that my tank took the full hit. Also make sure your jacket has some air in it too, so you just float back up to the surface. In other words, just don;t be as clumsy as me if you can help it.

I think I'm gonna leave it there for this week guys, I know his as been a long post but I can't put into words how stressed, how exhausted but how truly happy this job makes me. Yes, you have bad days in this industry but with a team like mine I know that even if I have a bad day they are there for me and they never fail to make me laugh with their antics.

Upon Review: 1st Week As A DMT

Hi all, since I got such good feedback from my last post about my first day as a Dive Master Trainee (DMT) I felt it would only be natural progression to move onto how my first week as a DMT went. This post won't be any candy coated truths, it may show some vulnerability on my part but that has been the function of the blog from the beginning. To be honest, to be truthful and to be open because it may just help one other person out there who could be struggling,  in a new job, in a new country or in an internship. Or maybe you can have a laugh at my expense too!
My first couple of days on my internship were interesting to say the least. Those who know me know that the line "if it can go wrong, it will go wrong" has a tendency to follow me around wherever I go and whatever I do. This couldn't be any truer than now. I've blown O rings out of cylinders, I've jammed a tank valve (although actually, that wasn't my fault, it just had to be attached to my BCD at the time.), I've forgotten extra weights, weight belts and to top it off, on one occasion where my mentor and myself were doing an introduction dive, guess who forgot to turn her air on. Yep. So I snorkeled the entire thing. So at this point I'm already in the minus brownie points. And my mentor has lost a considerable amount of hair in the last week.

However, everything that has happened has taught me how to do something new. I've learnt how to replace O rings, rig up tanks to the compressor to be filled, that a wrench is a perfectly good tool to use to jam your tank open so you can dive with it, I've memorised a checklist in my head like it's second nature so in the last three days I don't think I've forgotten anything (To my fellow Harry Potter nerds out there a rememberall would be fabulous round about now.) I've also gotten over my fear of snorkelling, Although I will always retain the fact I'm a scuba diver, not a snorkeller. Oh and now I have an overwhelming paranoia of making sure my air is on.

All of these things are only practical aspects but in the last week I have learnt a few things about myself, how I operate, how I work. This trip was never meant to be on of those "self-finding, tree-hugging, mud spa experiences", I knew it would be sun, sand and hard work but I guess when you take on endeavours like this you can't help but discover some things. I've known for the last 5 years I have been a hard worker but this last week I felt the mental and physical strain of burning the candle at both ends; so working in the day, then coming home and reading up on the theory side of things, sleeping and repeating that entire process. It wasn't until yesterday when by chance I ended up on the beach for 20 minutes after work and I jumped in and just enjoyed being in the water, not having to worry about timed swims, scuba kit or students. It's time to stop operating like a machine and start working smarter, not necessarily harder.

And I think I'm going to leave it there for this week folks, it's been a hard week and mentally draining so I'm going to enjoy my day off today, be lazy and recuperate. But enjoy this lovely quote below in my absence.

The Diver's Log: (12 &13) Internship Day Numero Uno

Hi everyone, as promised I would update everyone on my endeavours as I'm now (after a year of waiting am in the canary islands doing what I love the most - Scuba Diving. And today was my first day properly on the job as a DMT; A Divemaster Trainee. Yes, folks, my now boss concluded that I had enough responsibility and sense to be an almost position of authority. I know, it's frightening isn't.

Anyway, here's a (near enough) hour by hour breakdown of how my first day as an intern went, and then I'll finish up with my final thoughts of the day. That sounded a bit like the end of the Jerry Springer show, I digress, on with the blog.

6:30/45am: Wake up time!

After a little bit of a miscommunication error, I thought we would be leaving today at 7:25 to go to Scuba Sur and start setting up the boxes for the day. Hence the stupidly early wake up time. At least I got to enjoy a leisurely shower, a nice cup of tea, eat my cereal whilst watching the sunrise over Patalavaca. Beautiful.

8:30am: It's Show Time!

The boxes are set up and on the Carrito (golf carts to you and I but I can imagine people would get offended if I started saying that. Sorry team.) So off the lovey Collin and I went. Just to update the blog Collin is my DM mentor, He's a cool scottish dude. The first dive of the day was beach dive were I would be observing a student. This, fellow readers is where the first cock up of my internship occurred. i was kitting up, everything was going great, until I had to get my weight belt on. (This is where it all starts to go belly up.) It was twisted, and it took me 11 or so tries to work out how to sort the problem of the bloody evil twisted weight belt. We got there. So I went down to the beach to find Collin and the student, put my fins on and joined them, we went to descend. Bugger. I wasn't descending. Then my mind drifted back to when we were all kitting up together; Colin said to put extra weights in my pockets for the student and to help me with descending. So back up to the surface, up the beach (In full gear so you can imagine how much I am perspiring at this point.) I grab two extra sets of weight, y thinking; it would help me descend and if the student needs two, I can provide two and not worry about rapidly ascending. Back in the water I go, this time, all runs smoothly. Kudos to Collin for putting up with my cock up his morning. Expect many more to come and many "don't worries" to be said.

12:00pm: Lunch Time -

My favourite time of day, naturally, there's food involved. After having a chat to the team, Collin says to me that he believes I'm a hard worker. Those who know me know that meant the absolute world to me; I'll grapht for this, it will be no different to anything I normally put my mind too, just a bit hotter.

2pm: Second Dive of The Day -

The second dive of the day was a very gentle one as it would be the student's final open water dive to complete her PADI scuba diver course. Located at Bahia Blanca - It's a rocky reef with a wide range of different ecosystems and very beautiful to go and see, due to it's limited depth of 12m, it's perfect for beginners or for a gentle dive. It was a great dive and one I'm happy to say went without a hitch. Plus there were plenty of starfish there to see! After the dive, I don't recall so I'm dropping it into this section; my colleague Sam, taught me how to clean the boat and put all it's coverings on for in future if I'm asked to stay behind after a boat dive and clean it. So that was pretty cool. Cheers, Sam!

4pm: Operation Clean Up -

When the boat has come in and/or the beach divers come in and the students are on their way. We start cleaning the container and preparing the boxes for the following day, it's hard work but I enjoyed it - always nice to learn some new skills.

5:30pm - Home Time -

For me, the day passed really quickly so when the boss said it was home time, I was shocked to see it was already 5:30! So I filled in my logbook as the final job of the day on my personal itinerary; hene why the title contains the numbers 12 and 13, because today we finished dives 12 an 13; 47 to go until dive master status is achieved, and an exam, and everything else...

So that's what my day was like; how was yours? send me an answer in the comments below. All in all, today was pretty good day, I'm slowly starting to find my feet and with a team as supportive as the one I've been blessed with;  I know everything will be just fine.

10 Reasons To Move To (Or at least visit Canada)

Yes, I have returned from my first travel adventure this summer, and with only tomorrow to go until I go off again to begin working in Gran Canaria for a couple of months. I should probably update my blog. So here it is a list of 15 reasons on why I want to more to canada, or at least 15 reasons why you should probably visit it. This will have a few of my own personal reasons why I want to immigrate to the land of the maple syrup, but dear viewer, I'm sure you won't mind reading them! (Or having a snoop a my personal life... whatever you prefer really...)

1) My Family

As most people close to me know, I have more family members in Canada than I do in the UK, of course it would be hard to leave the ones I do have here but I know all of them are capable of jumping on a plane to come and see me. I also don't want to miss out on losing any more years with my precious 3rd cousins, who are all 8 and under at the moment, they're all so talent,clever and just down right beautiful that I don't wan to miss anymore years of watching them grow up.


2) It's Greener

Aesthetically and outside of the capital city of Toronto you entre a type of area under the name of Rurban. (Geography students amongst you may get as excited about the use of that word as I did... Or I'm just really sad.) It is, as you may of guessed, the area between the rural and suburbs and it's perfect for me. It's got the rolling green fields, gorgeous scenery and the sleepiness of a local village for you to be able to relax in but you're never too far from an outlet mall or other local amenities for you to do your errands.


3) The Prime Minister is a Babe!
Justin Trudeau, Canada's 23rd Prime minister and most of the country has appeared to fall in love with him and so have I; for a plethora of reasons, in recent days he's announced that the Canadian government is exploring the idea of having gender neutral ID cards (#winning), has acknowledged and is ready to step up Canada's commitment to climate change (#doublewinning) and has said if that anybody ever makes a film of his life, he wants to be played by Meryl Streep. And of course he's been pretty darn good for the country in terms of politics. And for some unknown reason he likes to balance babies on his hand, you do you, Justin.

4) Niagara Falls

One of the seven wonders of the world! And it's just down right beautiful, it's the main supplier of all the hydroelectricity in Canada, so win to the Canadians for being awesome and eco-friendly. You can see the falls form almost every angle, I've been in a helicopter over it, I've done a walk behind it, I've been on a boat in front of it, and it's completely breath taking.

5) It is The Land of Tim Horton's

Yes, I know, Starbucks and Costa are the main coffee retailers in the UK and yes, I know a lot of you are addicted to them but I promise you, as soon as a Tim Horton's Hot Chocolate, or a Double Double, touches your lips, it will touch your soul and you will be addicted forever more. But, unlike Starbucks and Costa; Timmies is good value for money, for 5 large coffees we paid $18. that's about £12, you pay that for just two large coffees at starbucks!

And P.S: The Ice Capp's are truly magical.


6) The Pace Of Life

So I've lived near the City of Bristol and in the city of Hull over the last 20 years and everybody is always rushing to do something, there is never any down time, there is never anytime for people to relax. So I got a bit of a culture shock when I went to Canada about 8 years ago, nobody was in a rush to do anything. They always have at least one long weekend due to a bank holiday every month, which means people did have ample time to relax. You go, Canada!

7) Patriotism

Everybody out there is immensely patriotic about their country, I can guarantee you wouldn't make it 500m without seeing a canadian flag, or a newfoundland flag or any other nationality that the resident there may have. Everybody is just so proud of where they come from and it's absolutely beautiful to see.


8) Better Job Prospects

It's common knowledge that I do a Marine biology degree and I'm absolutely loving it, after finishing my first year with a 1st, I've started to ponder on the next stage of my life; post-uni jobs, I have options in Canada such as the Simcoe dive school/shop, and there are multiple research institutes and lab facilities in Ontario. But to anyone who is contemplating moving to Canada, as long as you have a skill, you can probably end up with a job out there.


9) House Prices are very reasonable

Or at least in comparison to British house prices, when we go over there we like to taunt ourselves by looking at various real estate magazines. But I found a property, 3 bed, 2 bath, in a nice area but on a small plot of land for $30,000 dollars! yes, you read that correctly, 30k, that's, with the current exchange rate around £22,000.

10) The People

I know I'm probably very biased because most people I meet are always something to do with my family. But hen I've been in the grocery stores, or buying a coffee or just wandering around towns, people smile, people say hi, people seem to go nuts when they hear you have a British accent but anyway, the Canadian people (or at least the majority of) seme to have the same positive ethics and morals that I do; they believe in taking your children outdoors to have adventures, not sitting them in front of a TV. They don't have the Jeremy Kyle culture that most of our bigger cities and towns do an it's so refreshing.

And that ladies and gents completes the list of 10 reasons why should move to, or at least visit some part of Canada, but a word of advice, unless you like to touristy things, stay a little way away from Toronto, really experience some of that Rurban lifestyle.

And stay tuned for my Divers Log posts coming up soon, because once I've established internet connection, I can start writing about my adventure sin Gran Canaria. See you on the other side people!

The Diver's Log: DAN... DAN who?

Oh look, another feeble attempt at me trying to be witty in the title of a blog post. I've been watching too much Mock the Week and stand up comedy programmes on Netflix and it has evidently taught me... nothing... absolutely nothing. Anyway, on with the post!

This is a very quick post and as misleading as the title sounds it actually involved no diving whatsoever. That's in the next diving post, I promise. No but today I became a DAN qualified Emergency Oxygen Provider. So, let's treat his like a Geography GCSE question and break down what that means.

Seriously, Rebecca, who is DAN? And why is his name in capitals?!

This was one of he first questions my mother asked, and due to the fact she is the predominant reader of these blog posts. I will explain. DAN is Divers Alert Network, the diving industry’s largest association dedicated to scuba diving safety. DAN provides emergency assistance, medical information resources and educational opportunities. DAN is a non profit organisation and it was the first organisation to notice that there needed to be specialist insurance to Scuba Divers, due to the nature of injuries that can occur whilst out on a dive, especially in cases of lung over expansion or Arterial gas embolisms, in layman's terms, not very pleasant things to experience.

So, What did you learn today?

As mentioned above, DAN occurs educational opportunities; becoming an Emergency Oxygen Provider is one of them. I learnt how to assemble an emergency oxygen cylinder with rebreather mask and demand valve attachments, as well as attaching an oronasal mask (pocket masks that most people get when they finish a first aid course.) for when dealing with a non breathing diver, so I can do rescue breaths and they get oxygen in between those rescue breaths. The nature of different diving injuries, and how to treat them. If in doubt - give an injured diver oxygen, only if you're trained of course. But if you're on a dive without an oxygen kit and some who's qualified... I just wouldn't go if I were you.

Why did you do this?

This course just seemed very much like natural progression before I qualify as a rescue diver (Roll on Sunday, woo!) {UPDATE: I'm now a rescue diver! More on that in another post} but as I want to go on to do my dive master and my instructor; being trained to administer emergency oxygen is a necessary skill, just in case something ever goes wrong.

My Bucket List As A "20 Something"...

As I mentioned on my previous post about my return to blogging. I turned 20 at the start of the month and although some might not class it as a age milestone, for me I do. It's the age where I really need to seriously take a look at the direction I want my life to take. So, I felt I would create a bucket list of everything I want to do before I hit 30. I have 10 years to do the 20 things on my bucket list as a 20 something. As, I do believe that's the age bracket I fit into now... ish...

1) Travel -

I don't mean the all inclusive holiday package to Magaluf with the girls over the summer where most of it is spent in a haze of drunken nights and hungover mornings. That's just not what I would consider travelling nor do I think of it as particularly fun. However , dear reader, if that's what you enjoy, you do you! Go out there and have fun! Nor do I mean going round being cheap tourist tat (okay, maybe a little bit but that's just a bad choir tour habit!). No, I want to travel and learn about new places and new cultures, I want to go Thailand, to Brazil, even maybe Alaska. I just want to see new parts of the world that I would never normally conventionally see. I have always had a very intrinsic "wander lust" about me, so the goal is to go to 5 new places I have never been before.

2) Go To The Galapagos Islands -

As a marine biology student you end up learning a lot about Darwin, and consequently, Darwin's finches of the Galapagos islands.I know this is similar to my first point but hear me out. The Galapagos is meant to be an absolutely stunning place to go and dive, with a host of different marine creatures, so I am determined to go there and get as many dives in my log book as humanly possible. Plus it would be great to see the finches first hand of course.

3) Be a PADI Qualified Diving Instructor -

It's a career path I never really started to consider until about 9 months ago but the more I look into it and the closer I get to becoming a Dive Master, the more it seems like a natural road to go down. I don't care if it's in the UK or abroad, I want to become a certified diving instructor. With the way things are going, it's looking quite plausible that this could be a job I take up when I graduate uni to keep me busy whilst I look at what I want to do for a masters.

4) Raise The Money To Send My Parents On a Honeymoon -

Momma Goodwin and Papa Goodwin never got to have a honeymoon when they first got married because they just quite simply couldn't afford to.And with everything they have done for me, such as a supporting em through uni, I want to raise the money to send them away on a holiday by themselves where they can truly relax, it might be a few years away but I will make it happen, by hook or by crook.

5) Finally Get My Driving Licence -

If I'm honest this is something I want to complete in the next year or so. I haven't done it yet but because I'm not a competent driver; in my head I can do all of the maneuvers, just when it comes to actually doing it all my anxiety kicks in and I freak out. So I will over come my anxiety, Will pass my driving test and then I'll finally be able to stop relying on public transport, yay!

6) Run a 10k -

I've been getting into running a lot more recently because I'm going a lot more sprints for my HIIT training on the treadmill, I would really like to run a charity 10k one day, predominantly because every consultant I've ever met has told me not to run... yep. And the charitable aspect of course.

7) Read More -

I really need to get back into reading again, I want to be one of these people who can read one book a week, I know when I was a lot younger before exams came along, I would read ALL THE TIME. So I want to start doing that again; because it's the easiest way to absorb several lifetimes worth of knowledge

8) Come Off My Anti-Depressants -

Again, another self-explanatory challenge, as much as they have been the biggest help I've ever had the sheer cost of prescriptions is beginning to mount up every month, and I don't want to rely on them forever.

9) See The 8 Wonders of the World -

Ties into the #travel point that I made first but if I'm honest, I want to see thse 8 wonders of the world, although I've already seen Niagara falls and it's lovely! But I also want to see if they really are just that wonderful...

10) Learn To Ride a Bike -

Yes, dear reader, it's time for me to confess that I just couldn't learn to ride a bike as a child, I could never get my balance right and I'm pretty sure it's genetic because when my mum rides a bike she goes backwards. Yeah.... No.... We don't know how that works either.

11) Re-Visit Choir Tour Sites -

The Choir Tours of 2010 (Barcelona), 2012 (Berlin) and 2014 (Tuscany) will always ALWAYS have a very special place in my heart. It's where I made some of the best memories I will ever had, learnt about history, saw things I would never even dream of seeing such as The Sagrada Familia, Concentration camps, the leaning tower of Pisa. So I want to re-visit these gorgeous places 10 years after I orginally went, 2020, 2022, 2024. If fellow choir members are reading this and they're interested in doing something like that too, pop me a message, we have some planning to do.


12) Get a Tattoo -

Mum, Dad, I'm sorry. I know you're probably going to skin me for writing this one but I really do want to get a tattoo, one with meaning, I want to get one that celebrates my family and at the moment it's looking like the anchor thigh piece which I've wanted since I was about 15. Because my family have always been there for me and always will be, holding me strong and steadfast through any storms and rough seas of my life.

That was a bit more poetic than I had first intended... whoops.

13) Go On a Road Trip With Friends -

Another reason why I want to pass my driving test, I want to grab four other friends, jump in my car and travel from the south of the UK, to Ireland, the north and then to Scotland, then going to all the places we missed on the way back down, staying only in cheap hotels we find the day or two in advance, or other people's sofa's whatever happens at the time.

14) Get A Job I Love Waking Up For -

This is just a general life goal really, I have said to myself if I ever found myself in a job role where I woke up in the morning with anxiety and fear of going, I would hand my notice in there and then and find something else because my parents taught me that no matter what you do in your life, just do what makes you happy.

15) Go To Mermaid School -

Before you laugh at me, these are real things, not something that I have made up in a dream. (The jumpers for pigeons weren't a dream either, Mum who's probably reading this!)  They are all over Europe. What I learnt from some research is that they are effectively free diving classes but you get to wear mermaid tails and clam bras, wooo! Dream come true for this water baby!

16) A Skydive -

Please don't ask why, I just want too. Okay? I'll do it for charity and everything.

17) Do An American Food Challenge -
I watched a lot of the TV show "Man Vs. Food" when I was younger. Adam Richer must've inspired something in me, and my Dad probably encouraged my ambition to take on a food challenge and win. I'm a naturally fast eater anyway and as long as it's a meat based challenge (chips and bread would just fill me too quickly.) I should be absolutely golden.

18) Get my MsC -

Amongst all of this meat eating, mermaid schooling tom-foolery I do still have an academic goal. I want to complete my masters at a minimum, my overall goal is to do my PhD but I'm gonna take this one step at a time. I've got a whole lot of life to live first.

19) Be a Self-Sufficient Blogger -

Occasionally, I pay a little bit of money to advertise my blog on facebook. And because it's something I love doing so much and I love hearing people's feedback from, I would really like to reach a point where the money raised from putting advert on the blog, is put straight back into advertising it on facebook, thus growing it's audience. Heck, I want to get to the point where there are "The blog with a porpoise" t-shirts. Wouldn't that be cool?!

No?

Okay then, sorry.

20) Compete -

I'm about to become a hypocrite. Please allow me a second to brace myself for this moment.


*big intake of breath*

Right, okay, I'm ready....

I said I would never ever compete in a fitness competition, however, after starting my figure competitor training programme for  abit of fun, I have been enjoying the style of training more and more and I've decided now that one day, when my academics are on pause and I'm working full-time, I will train to compete in a bikini figure competition. Just to say I've done it.

Phew. Well, dear reader, you finally survived to the end of this bucket list and I survived writing it. And for that I would like to present you with a medal but as a poor, skint student, I can't do that. So I will give you a metaphorical pat on the back. Aren't I nice?

Maybe I've inspired you to start thinking about your own bucket list. If so,What's on your bucket list? I would really love to know some pop me a comment in the box below,

Your wait is finally over... for now.

You're probably all sat there wondering, where the bloody hell I've been, why such an unannounced hiatus, Rebecca?! Be rest assured my dear readers, it's not you, it's me. To quash the rumours to begin with, no I haven't given up blogging, I've actually still been quite active over on my twitter page @RebeccaByTheSea. Anyway, I digress your favourite penguin loving, Marmite lady (See my first ever blog post to understand that reference.) has returned from the perils of her first year university exams.

To be perfectly honest with you, dear reader. I just simply couldn't cope with blogging alongside my studies, my mental health, going to the gym an awful lot more and keeping together some pitiful excuse of a social life. For that, I am truly sorry. :( In amongst all that I've actually done (what I consider to be) some pretty awesome stuff. Oooooh yes, the lists are back people. and if you read that "Ooooh yes" in the Churchill car insurance dog voice, stop watching so much telly.

 1) I've landed myself a role on the university's sub aqua club committee -

Yes, the lovely lads and ladies of HUSAC, for those not in the known, that's the scuba diving society of the university of hull; have decided they like me enough to make me the treasurer of the committee. Nobody else would do it.  In other words, I will be looking after their finances and chasing down the people who haven't paid their joining fees, in the style of a short ninja debt collector of course. No one is safe. Not even you.

2) I turned 20 -

I'm now officially a "twenty something." I really don't know how to feel about it as a lot of people say I already act like a 30 year old with my slippers, tea and persistent symptoms of a mid-life crisis. But all I know is I have such an awesome bucket list of all the things I want to do, all the adventures I want to go on, and the stupid things I want to do with my hair before I turn 30. Which all going well, I should have posted by Sunday evening.

3) Hi, my name's Rebecca, I'm an emergency first responder, may I help you? -

I finally got my Emergency First Response (EFR) qualification! Meaning I'm one step closer to my PADI rescue diver qualification. Wooo! What this qualification has trained me to do is CPR, Defibrillator delivery, basic wound treatment and some other first aid bits and pieces, so may the lord help you if you ever end up with me as your emergency first responder in a bad situation. (Joking!) I had to do my EFR as part of becoming a PADI qualified rescue diver, which if all goes as planned, I should be as of this Sunday. Setting me up nicely to becoming a PADI Dive Master over the summer!

4) Started a new training plan -

Yes, I've got the idea into my head that I would start a figure competitor training programme. Although I'm not going hardcore on it yet, I'm 3 and a half weeks into it and the muscle definition I've gained in such a short period of time is fab and I just really love the programme. The exercise combinations are so much fun and not too complex. It seriously helped me get over the fear of going back into the gym. If anybody wants the link to the plan, just shoot me a message!

And that's that really, I don't think I've been up to much else over the last couple of months over than studying and what is listed above. But as I write this I realise how much I have missed blogging and I can't wait to start producing more content, especially when it comes to updating you all on my adventures over the summer. Be rest assured, there is so much exciting stuff going on that you'll probably end up with a blog every few days!

To finish this post up, If you've known me through this 3 month period of exam preparation you know I could quite often be spotted in the library, crying horribly softly over "The Introduction to Genetic Analysis" but to each and everyone of you both here in Hull and at home, I would like to say a massive thank you for keeping me sane over the last few weeks especially, whether that's been a friendly text message, phone call, plying me with sweets and chocolate in the library or a coffee and chat, I genuinely couldn't of done it without you guys.


NOW GO AND HAVE THE BEST SUMMERS EVER.

Why I Believe Everybody Should Do A Sociology Course At Least Once...

This post might seem a bit random considering I blog mainly about mental health, fitness and occasionally about my family. But it's time I put some more academics into my blog. I've never really spoken much about what I did before my degree, well, I have 12 GCSEs. My GCSEs didn't come out the best but I was never going to give up on my dream of going to university to study marine biology and since I couldn't do my Biology A level straight away, I went on to study my second passion. Sociology, alongside Geography and Philosophy and Ethics. This may not look like the CV of a marine biology student but I can tell you, my sociology A level has been of more use to me than Chemistry and Physics ever would, because they just weren't my strengths at the time.

So, I've compiled a list of reasons has to why my Sociology A level has helped me so much even in my degree! I bet you've missed a good list, haven't you?

1) It helped me understand more of the world around me
Or at least, I understood how other people saw the world around me. In sociology you will predominantly look at 4 main areas; Crime, Religion, Education and the family unit. And my goodness, did it help me understand all the underlying mechanisms of the features listed above. I saw every point of view as well, from feminists, from fundamentalists, functionalists, marxists. I learnt about politics too, all the things that you aren't taught in "conventional" education.

2) You learn how to formulate your own opinion

I know in my class definitely, debates would happen frequently, We learnt to fight our opinion, no matter how wrong it might have seemed (provided you weren't being racist or sexist of course. That's just crude and wrong.) You could be given a marxist point of view, and you will learn to formulate your own opinion on things. You don't have to follow a textbook opinion, you are more highly rewarded for bringing your own opinion in!

3) You can analyse any study put it in front of you

Speaking from a scientific point of view, I can pull apart a scientific study article very quickly, I could tell you whether the study sample would make it a reliable study. I can tell you whether they have followed the correct ethical protocols of consent, predominantly I learnt way too many completely unethical early-sociological studies. This skill has been indispensable within the first few months of university. It also provides you with "filter" to many so-called "scientific" studies used by newpapers like the Sun. They could tell you they've found a miracle skinny pill, they tested it on 20 people. And only 75% of which noticed a change in weight. But they will publicize it to you as "75% of people have lost weight using PillX. Boom. There goes your money up in flames."

4) You learn how to construct a good essay
Well, some of my essays weren't that fantastic but towards the end of 2 years on this course, and writing many essays worth 40 marks. My writing style and even my common vocabulary improved by 10 fold. This too, has helped me immensely at uni. Even though I've only done probably about 3 essays since I've been here, my latest one scored me 98%, although, I'm still to this day waiting to find out what I dropped 2% over. Probably some kind of silly spelling mistake... Anyway. Onward to my last point.

5) It makes you more well-rounded as a person

What do I mean by well-roundedness? It means having a personality which is fully developed in all-aspects, I have a deeper understanding of the people I talk too, of how their background has probably led to who they are in that moment that I am speaking too them,. and due to this understanding, I can completely change my demeanor towards someone and as consequence of this, they trust me that little bit more. This has probably helped me more in my job role as a cashier, I can start a conversation with someone and within about 30 seconds, I can learn more about them in 7 minutes, I have learnt so much about their lives, because I can identify, in some ways with most of what they are saying, and also understand their opinions a little bit more.

So, if you're 16 and about to choose your A-levels, please consider sociology, even if it's just at AS level, because I can assure you, you will learn more about society in that one year, than you probably would in your whole life. Of course, I can put a lot of this down to having an absolutely phenomenal sociology teacher, so, Conor McGloin, if this post ever reaches you. I want to say thank you., you taught in such a way, that sociology wasn't just a subject, it was a whole life lesson.

Mirtazapine And Me: 1 Month Down and A Rant...

It seems like yesterday I was sat in the Doctor's offices hearing him talk me through what Mirtazapine will do, and how it will help me get over the restlessness caused by depression. It's been a rough month of mid-semester exams, coursework, trying to balance a social life and all whilst being knocked out and asleep by 9 in the evening. Yes, my dear readers, you read that correctly, I was asleep by 9pm most evenings during this first month. Although, I'm not complaining I wake up naturally at around 7-8am nowadays and I feel like I've actually had a decent nights sleep. Woo!

I'm finding the only problem with Mirtazapine is that it gives me the WORST munchies! I can't even begin to describe how hungry I was the first day I took it, although this part of it is dying off I've put on a ridiculous 13lbs in a month and a half, luckily I have been going to the gym a lot more since I've been feeling better and I know a little bit of that is muscle but not all of it. So right now I'm on a mission to lose this weight and a little bit more by the time I fly out to Canada in June. At current, I've lost 3lbs and I've got 10 more to go but since I go back to university tomorrow I'll have better access to the gym and I'll be gritting my teeth and upping the cardio that's for sure.

Now it's time for my rant. The other day someone said "you can't be depressed, you're always smiling!" I'm sorry


WHAT....

Yes, somebody actually said to me "you can't be depressed, you're always smiling!" At that moment in time, I laughed it off, if I'm honest, I can't actually remember how I reacted but in the moments following I felt A plethora of different emotions. First it was guilt, what if I'm not actually depressed? What if I'm just completely incompetent at dealing with negative emotions? But I answered myself with the fact that my doctor wouldn't of diagnosed me if he thought I was just an over emotional pms'ing female. Secondly, there was anger at this person's lack of education on the subject and the comment they just made!

See, the thing is, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, or MDD for short. A unipolar depressive disorder, in other words, when it hits, it hits hard and takes me down with it. Unlike with bipolar where you feel both euphoria and depression and before none says it, I'm not trying to say one is worse than the other, they're both awful. But I just wanted to highlight the differences for you beautiful readers. But what people still are struggling to realise is that depression isn't just feeling sad! Although that's a defining trait there are so many other characteristics. For me, it manifests itself with lack of sleep, lack of appetite, a complete disinterest in just about everything, my anxiety gets absolutely unbearable to such an extent I'm get terrified to leave my own room or my own home. It means waking up with a weight in your chest that can even make your own breathing feel taxing. Anyway, rant over but in summary - stop assuming depression is just feeling sad, it's just literal hell, especially when you're like me - a normally active, happy and busy person. 

But since I've been on Mirtazapine everything's just been getting better, slowly but surely, I'm sleeping better at night, I'm not napping in the day and I'm getting a lot more work done. I can't deny that my grades took a hit at the end of lasts semester and I came out with predominantly 2:1s but actually, I'm okay with that, I'm actually really proud of that! Because I'm giving everything all I possibly can without running myself completely into the ground. I'm finding balance for the first time ever. And that's the update really, I'm getting better but I'm not quite out of the woods yet! 

The Diver's Log: Back to Basics... and Hypothermia?!

Happy Easter, everyone! I hope you're all sat at home enjoying our yummy Choccies. Spare a thought for me, as I can't have any because I'm still on my March dechox for the British Heart Foundation, and as they say, I'm no Easter Feaster! I have spent my Easter Sunday in a somewhat unconventional manner: in a quarry, somewhere in Wales, being bloody cold. However, there is method to my madness. (I promise.) A Year ago when I came back from a family holiday in Gran Canaria, I befriended the very wonderful owner of the dive shop and the even more wonderful diving instructor team; Trust me, they've got to be wonderful for putting up with me for 2 solid weeks! I digress, I began speaking to them about the possibility of a Dive Master Internship during one of my summer breaks from uni. But after I  completed my Advanced Open Water course out there, I was smitten. I love diving, I truly and utterly do. So, two days after I touched down back in the UK, I was furiously sending e-mails too Scuba Sur and lo and behold in just a few short months time, I will be spending my uni break working out there, training to become a dive master. However, I have one small problem. The training course is designed to be 3-6 months long. I have 2 and a half. And as some may know to become a DM you have to be a qualified Rescue Diver and have completed 40 dives. So, I am on a mission to get as much of my training done here in the UK to take some of the pressure off when I'm in Gran Can.

Hopefully that explains why I was in a quarry, in Wales, freezing my tail off. I was doing my PADI Dry Suit Diver course so I could be qualified to dive in British waters and therefore, complete my rescue diver when I go back to uni! Before I get onto what happened during the dive, I must stress that I am not a qualified professional (yet.) and please don't take any of this post as "advice" nor should you EVER undertake a dive beyond your level of training and experience! (Hence why I was doing this course today.)

I woke up this morning, bleary eyed, grumpy and tired, it was 6:30, the clocks had gone forward and I'd lost an hour of sleep. And if you know me, you know I know I'm not the nicest person in the mornings anyway! But before I knew it, we were packed in the car and driving to NDAC (National Diving and Activities Centre) in Chepstow. It's here I met my wonderful instructor for the day, Simon and my dive buddy and on site DM, Gareth. After a quick Scuba Review quiz to refresh my memory as I hadn't dived in about 8 months, we went through the course manual's knowledge reviews, going over what I perhaps didn't understand about the dry suit itself, such as how to work the exhaust valve and add air to my suit when underwater. Then it was time to get kitted up, I can say now, getting that dry suit on was 10 million times easier than a wet suit in 30 degree C heat! It took me a few minutes to remember how to put my BCD together but with Simon at hand, it all went smoothly.

It was time to brave the water in my dry suit, I was getting a little anxious at the surface waiting to stride in. But don't we all when we do something new for the first time. After successfully entering the water without concussing myself with the back on my tank. we could begin to descend! (Technically, these "skills" dives were meant to be split into two but I completed them quickly and to a good standard so they got merged into one.)

The skills were pretty simple if you've done the Advanced Open Water PADI course, fin pivoting, hovering, and then you get to the final skill... Learning how to cope if you get excess air in the legs of your dry suit. It went absolutely fine for me as I tucked my legs under my butt and somersaulted forward, then hitting my exhaust valve to dump out the air. What I shouldn't of done though is move my neck so much that water absolutely flooded my suit! I was getting cold beforehand but at this point I was noticeably shivering. Thankfully, Gareth noticed and terminated the dive immediately! But even though It took me 45 minutes after my dive, a warm shower and a cuppa to stop shivering.   (NEVER have a hot shower if you develop even mild hypothermia because otherwise you cans end your body into shock, warm up slowly!) Despite this - I had the best day ever getting used to the dry suit and my passion for diving is still an eternal love affair, in fact, it's stronger than ever.

Many, many thanks to the team at Cardiff SCUBA for putting together such an awesome day. And thank you to Gareth and Simon for being such wonderful and genuine people/instructors too! My next diver's log instalment won't be until my rescue diver and that could a few weeks away but until next time. Dive on, my friends!

An Open Letter to My Mother...

(Hopefully, If I've scheduled this right and got the date correct this post should be up around Mother's Day here in the UK.)

I talk about my mother a lot in my blogs and so I decided that she is entitled to a post completely dedicate to her. So here we go Mum, this is for you.

Dear Mum/Mother/Mother G/Momma/Momma G/Momma Goodwin,

Firstly, I would like to apologise because knowing my luck with the way Uni timetabling ha spanned out I'm not actually going to be home with you for Mother's Day, and I can tell you that I'm as upset about it as you are. Secondly, I would also like to apologise if the courier has failed abysmally at delivering your present on time, blame moonpig, not me. I didn't have enough character space on your card to write everything that I wanted too. To say thank you for everything you've done and I feel this blog post is the ebst way to do that, some of these things I can't say out loud without crying. Before people start and say "Why don't you just tell her yourself?!" I digress, there's only one way to do this and that's in a list. So, Mum, here we go -

7 Things That Are Great About Momma G! -

1) Your Cake Making Skills Are Top Notch! 

Literally Momma, I don't know anyone else that can make cakes half as good as you do. They are always so light and fluffy that they call for seconds, and thirds (...and fourths if me and Dad had our way.) Hopefully, one day when I have the time to bake, I can make cakes as good as you!

2) You Give The Best Advice!

Yes, you have full permission to say "I told you so!" on so many moments in my life where I was young and naive, and completely ignored your advice. But truth be told Mum, I should've taken it, I should've listed on so many things but I've learnt now. That's why whenever something is wrong, no matter how big or small it is, I will always come to you first because I know you will be able to fix it.

3) You're My Best Friend -

If I had the choice between a night out or a cosy evening in, watching films or some awful Saturday night TV with you. I would always choose the latter, you always know how to make me laugh, and we have similar tastes in films and TV, plus we have the best gossiping sessions about people.

4) You Give The Best Cuddles -

No further explanation needed, they are the best!

5) You Can See Where My Work Ethic Comes From -

Literally Mum, you work so hard and sometimes a little too hard! :( But I can remember you studying for all your tests when you went back to college in your 40s, I remember you wanting to work with children; to help them in their lives. It's that burning desire to follow your dreams and want to better yourself inspires me. Every. Darn. Day.

6) You're The Strongest Person I Know -

I've watched you suffer through the chemotherapy for breast cancer, laugh it off when you lost your hair, refuse to wear the wigs because you felt more comfortable without! I've seen you suffer through mastectomy surgery, then to the burns of radiotherapy. But through all of that, you never stopped smiling, sure you had your sad times but you also kept me and Dad smiling. Speaking of Dad and I, I know it probably hasn't been easy for you bearing the emotional weight of two people with mental health issues but somehow you do, we love you so much Mum, we really do. So much so that we can't ever really put it into words.

7) You're A Momma To Everyone -

Everybody's welcome in your house (Well, provided they've never upset any of us, in which use, you become their worst nightmare!) The kettle's always on and no matter what problems they bring with them, they are never judged, always loved and no matter what, you'll probably have them sorted out by the time they leave the house again.

I could go on and on, and on but yet again I would probably run out of characters like I did on moonpig or I would end up writing a novel. But I love you so much, I hope you have a lovely day and I'll take you out for coffee and lunch when I get back. xxx

Mirtazapine and Me: Why I Won't Be Held Down...

Some of you may be wondering, Rebecca, why haven't you written your own blog post in a while? Well, blogging community, I think you'd better stick the kettle on, make a cuppa in your favourite mug and take a seat. Mine's a little bit of milk and two sweeteners, ta. But we need to talk. Over the last few months of blogging I've spoken about dealing with mental health and trying to remove the stigma around mental health issues. However, I have only ever really spoken in depth about Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I should probably talk about something else. I also suffer with depression, admittedly I only really started to begin dealing with it a week or so ago but it's taken several crying episodes because I was physically too scared to get out the door and talk to someone, quite a lot of days where my only triumph of that day was being to get out of bed and put some people clothes on (Although, I do celebrate those achievements quite highly on bad days.) and in the end, one complete outburst to my parents about how desperately lonely I was feeling, until I would finally ring the doctor's and admit that I couldn't keep doing it on my own anymore. Which now I realise, there is absolutely no shame in doing.

But, let's rewind a minute. How did I end up feeling so lonely when I have so many wonderful, caring and loving friends and family around me? Well, a lot of it is to do with my anxiety, or morph. Morph is a little tiny being which is the personification of my anxiety and I believe him to be quite fitting too. (You'll soon realise why if you spent any of your childhood watching art attack and Morph's adventures. But, please, CITV, don't sue me for this, please.)

This is the point where I'm about to sound completely insane but it's okay, the Doctor said I'm perfectly normal! (Sort of.) Morph is always there but usually he's very small, small enough that he could probably sit on my shoulder (low-levels of anxiety, the good days.) but every now and again he gets triggered and grows until he's piggy-backing me, weighing me down and stopping me from doing whatever I want to do. Usually this is social gathering or interactions, some days, not being able to leave my room. So, as you can imagine this inability to socialise properly and feeling "trapped" had a pretty heavy knock on effect.I spent many nights not sleeping properly, not eating properly and then generally feeling quite low and worn down, most of the time because I was getting very scared of even going in for my lectures. But, I made it in to my lectures and did my work, I tried all of my methods that I've posted about on here. Self-care boxes, meditation, hypnotherapy, talking to my friends and family but nothing was working properly for me, I would feel better for a while but then would slip back into a very horrible low feeling.

As I said above, after a very tearful phone call to home, I accepted I needed some sort of help. I cannot stress enough how fantastic my doctor was! Please, anybody reading this who might be going through the same, don't hesitate to go to your GP. And if your GP isn't very supportive, try somewhere else, you will get the help you need. They are trained to listen. No, they will not just think you're going crazy, and they won't just palm you off as over-emotional either. I was prescribed Mirtazapine, a sedative anti-depressant to help me sleep and get me back into a routine again, which will help settle morph (Yay!) I'm also in the process of being referred to LetsTalk, a mental health service here in Hull which will provide me with some talking therapy to deal with the actual emotional cause of this depressive episode and to help me deal with my anxiety because, overall, that's what's caused this.

Although, I fel like I'm already dealing with this, now it has a label, my depression can now be personified and I've chosen Winston Churchill's Black dog, because it's something I can control in my mind's eye. Right now, although the dog is following me around everywhere, it's on a leash, so I'm in control. there will be days where it's curled on my lap and bringing me down but there will also be days where I can leave it asleep back home and it will not bother me.

This blog post is really just to make people aware of why I might have long breaks between posts, that it's okay to say when you're struggling because only then can you truly get the help you need, and it's not always medication! And more importantly, so people know that I am determined to get through this. I will be the rock music listening, power lifting, hard studying, marine biologist that I was a few months ago. Although, I don't think I've ever stopped being 3 of those things on the list, haha! I must also stress to my uni friends, I can't drink on these tablets, I'm sorry but no more welly vodka or JD for me. But you can save up and buy me a drink when we're through this, of course. ;)

If anybody has anymore questions about anything in this blog post then please don't hesitate to message me.

A Boyfriend's Eye View...

Hello ladies and gents of the blogging world... You don't know me, I don't know you but I have been asked by the crazy penguin lady that is my girlfriend to write a blog for her... Why? I don't know! Possible laziness or just interest in my writing style, speaking of I have a potty mouth seriously I swear like a sailor so for this blog all swear words will be replaced with the word penguin. Oh and if you were hoping for a list... You're not getting one. Sorry.

I don't nessesserily have a topic for this blog just that Rebecca wants to know my side of the relationship and honestly it is the biggest penguin disaster that somehow works... Everything from the way that we met to the way that we act is penguin weird! But I can't lie, I do love her! It takes a lot of patience and a lot of understanding. 

Everyday for Rebecca is an uphill battle, from her crazy work ethic, to her anxiety and it does take its toll on the relationship. Rebecca can have crazy outbursts unknowingly at times just because of stress but keeping calm is key for me, thinking back to the other times this has happened and the realisation that letting her shout her lungs out at me is much better than shouting at someone else... I mean hell, I ain't ever leaving her. Not even if she beats the penguin out of me! (Not that she could, she's tiny.) 

This is in no way a 'how to deal with your crazy partner' blog! Everyone is different and adjusting to the person you love in order to be with them is just part of life! It's second nature to me now, I can feel the pressure change in the air when Rebecca is about to go all Kylo Ren on me! Crying, angry, cutting my head off with a light sabre... Well, maybe not but  one can dream.

The arguments and anxiety and the stress is nothing in comparison to the rest of the relationship; sometimes they seem like such massive hurdles to get over but usually it just takes time... Step out of the room, put the phone down for 30 minutes, or take a walk to the shop and get them chocolates that she will eat and then be angry at you because you're making her 'fat'... But most important thing of all is to never give up!

I'm not all perfect myself, in fact I can't think of one reason Rebecca is with me. Although I am thankful for every day that she has adjusted to the way I am! We balance each other Rebecca's strong work ethic is balanced by my easy going personality, and my laziness is balanced by Rebecca's hustle!

So that's a small amount of what 4 happy and odd years can teach you about a woman. And I'm sure I have many more lessons to come but I will look forward to it whether it's Rebecca freaking out or finding out she's allergic to penguins (Actual penguins, this isn't a swear word!) and having to deal with that insane tantrum that would follow! I'll be with her the whole way through thick and thin, the good and the bad because it's all memories. No matter what kind they are.

Until next time or not, Rebecca is way better at this than me...

Happy Valentine's darling