Mirtazapine and Me: Why I Won't Be Held Down...

Some of you may be wondering, Rebecca, why haven't you written your own blog post in a while? Well, blogging community, I think you'd better stick the kettle on, make a cuppa in your favourite mug and take a seat. Mine's a little bit of milk and two sweeteners, ta. But we need to talk. Over the last few months of blogging I've spoken about dealing with mental health and trying to remove the stigma around mental health issues. However, I have only ever really spoken in depth about Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I should probably talk about something else. I also suffer with depression, admittedly I only really started to begin dealing with it a week or so ago but it's taken several crying episodes because I was physically too scared to get out the door and talk to someone, quite a lot of days where my only triumph of that day was being to get out of bed and put some people clothes on (Although, I do celebrate those achievements quite highly on bad days.) and in the end, one complete outburst to my parents about how desperately lonely I was feeling, until I would finally ring the doctor's and admit that I couldn't keep doing it on my own anymore. Which now I realise, there is absolutely no shame in doing.

But, let's rewind a minute. How did I end up feeling so lonely when I have so many wonderful, caring and loving friends and family around me? Well, a lot of it is to do with my anxiety, or morph. Morph is a little tiny being which is the personification of my anxiety and I believe him to be quite fitting too. (You'll soon realise why if you spent any of your childhood watching art attack and Morph's adventures. But, please, CITV, don't sue me for this, please.)

This is the point where I'm about to sound completely insane but it's okay, the Doctor said I'm perfectly normal! (Sort of.) Morph is always there but usually he's very small, small enough that he could probably sit on my shoulder (low-levels of anxiety, the good days.) but every now and again he gets triggered and grows until he's piggy-backing me, weighing me down and stopping me from doing whatever I want to do. Usually this is social gathering or interactions, some days, not being able to leave my room. So, as you can imagine this inability to socialise properly and feeling "trapped" had a pretty heavy knock on effect.I spent many nights not sleeping properly, not eating properly and then generally feeling quite low and worn down, most of the time because I was getting very scared of even going in for my lectures. But, I made it in to my lectures and did my work, I tried all of my methods that I've posted about on here. Self-care boxes, meditation, hypnotherapy, talking to my friends and family but nothing was working properly for me, I would feel better for a while but then would slip back into a very horrible low feeling.

As I said above, after a very tearful phone call to home, I accepted I needed some sort of help. I cannot stress enough how fantastic my doctor was! Please, anybody reading this who might be going through the same, don't hesitate to go to your GP. And if your GP isn't very supportive, try somewhere else, you will get the help you need. They are trained to listen. No, they will not just think you're going crazy, and they won't just palm you off as over-emotional either. I was prescribed Mirtazapine, a sedative anti-depressant to help me sleep and get me back into a routine again, which will help settle morph (Yay!) I'm also in the process of being referred to LetsTalk, a mental health service here in Hull which will provide me with some talking therapy to deal with the actual emotional cause of this depressive episode and to help me deal with my anxiety because, overall, that's what's caused this.

Although, I fel like I'm already dealing with this, now it has a label, my depression can now be personified and I've chosen Winston Churchill's Black dog, because it's something I can control in my mind's eye. Right now, although the dog is following me around everywhere, it's on a leash, so I'm in control. there will be days where it's curled on my lap and bringing me down but there will also be days where I can leave it asleep back home and it will not bother me.

This blog post is really just to make people aware of why I might have long breaks between posts, that it's okay to say when you're struggling because only then can you truly get the help you need, and it's not always medication! And more importantly, so people know that I am determined to get through this. I will be the rock music listening, power lifting, hard studying, marine biologist that I was a few months ago. Although, I don't think I've ever stopped being 3 of those things on the list, haha! I must also stress to my uni friends, I can't drink on these tablets, I'm sorry but no more welly vodka or JD for me. But you can save up and buy me a drink when we're through this, of course. ;)

If anybody has anymore questions about anything in this blog post then please don't hesitate to message me.

A Boyfriend's Eye View...

Hello ladies and gents of the blogging world... You don't know me, I don't know you but I have been asked by the crazy penguin lady that is my girlfriend to write a blog for her... Why? I don't know! Possible laziness or just interest in my writing style, speaking of I have a potty mouth seriously I swear like a sailor so for this blog all swear words will be replaced with the word penguin. Oh and if you were hoping for a list... You're not getting one. Sorry.

I don't nessesserily have a topic for this blog just that Rebecca wants to know my side of the relationship and honestly it is the biggest penguin disaster that somehow works... Everything from the way that we met to the way that we act is penguin weird! But I can't lie, I do love her! It takes a lot of patience and a lot of understanding. 

Everyday for Rebecca is an uphill battle, from her crazy work ethic, to her anxiety and it does take its toll on the relationship. Rebecca can have crazy outbursts unknowingly at times just because of stress but keeping calm is key for me, thinking back to the other times this has happened and the realisation that letting her shout her lungs out at me is much better than shouting at someone else... I mean hell, I ain't ever leaving her. Not even if she beats the penguin out of me! (Not that she could, she's tiny.) 

This is in no way a 'how to deal with your crazy partner' blog! Everyone is different and adjusting to the person you love in order to be with them is just part of life! It's second nature to me now, I can feel the pressure change in the air when Rebecca is about to go all Kylo Ren on me! Crying, angry, cutting my head off with a light sabre... Well, maybe not but  one can dream.

The arguments and anxiety and the stress is nothing in comparison to the rest of the relationship; sometimes they seem like such massive hurdles to get over but usually it just takes time... Step out of the room, put the phone down for 30 minutes, or take a walk to the shop and get them chocolates that she will eat and then be angry at you because you're making her 'fat'... But most important thing of all is to never give up!

I'm not all perfect myself, in fact I can't think of one reason Rebecca is with me. Although I am thankful for every day that she has adjusted to the way I am! We balance each other Rebecca's strong work ethic is balanced by my easy going personality, and my laziness is balanced by Rebecca's hustle!

So that's a small amount of what 4 happy and odd years can teach you about a woman. And I'm sure I have many more lessons to come but I will look forward to it whether it's Rebecca freaking out or finding out she's allergic to penguins (Actual penguins, this isn't a swear word!) and having to deal with that insane tantrum that would follow! I'll be with her the whole way through thick and thin, the good and the bad because it's all memories. No matter what kind they are.

Until next time or not, Rebecca is way better at this than me...

Happy Valentine's darling

On The Road to Positive Living: How to Love Yourself:

Well, okay, I know the title sounds a little over promising and not only that, but it's probably also another thing where my Dad is probably shouting in the background "You tree-hugging Hippie!" In fact, that's what I might just rename this series the "Tree-hugging hippie" series, I don't think that would go down too well though... Anyway, you might be wondering why I've chosen to write about loving one's self? Because this is something we all struggle with, myself included but over the last few months I have begun to accept myself for who I am, you have read my previous blog post about my struggles with extreme weight loss and now trying to reach a happy balance of a healthy lifestyle and not losing my sanity. Re-adjusting to a bigger body has been really hard from me, resulting in me stealing owning quite a Few of Kieran's clothes for my bad day's where I cannot stand my reflection and need to hide my body. So as you can probably tell; my self-esteem isn't exactly glowing. It's picking up a lot more and the bad body image days are getting less frequent and easier to deal with. So, yet again, my dear readers, I shall present you with one "Rebecca Special".... More commonly known as a list... Yep... (There's a very high number of ellipsis in this blog, I do apologise if that irritates anyone!)

1) Good things come in 3s

This actually stems from an exercise I was given by two of the most wonderful teachers I have ever met (Go Gill and Howard!) When my Mother was going through breast cancer I became very withdrawn, upset and angry with the world. This led to me one day having a break down in the music department's office, to try and make me feel a bit more positive about what was going on in my life they told me that every night before I go to bed to list 3 things about that day that had been positive. It was really difficult in the beginning, I'm not going to lie there. Only being able to pick out maybe one or two good things in the first few weeks. But as time went on it got easier and I was starting to see the world in a more positive way, it wasn't against me at all! (I feel some of this I need to save for a different post so I'll hush with the side track story here!) The same idea can be applied to your appearance, every morning or every evening, or both if you wish. Take your make-up off, wash your face and look at yourself in the mirror, truly look at yourself. Pick out three good things you can see, like the sparkle in your eyes, your soft hair or your freckles. Over time you'll find it easier to find more positive things about you! Because truly YOU are BEAUTIFUL.

2) Hey there good lookin'

Following on form the picking out 3 things about yourself idea. It's time for some positive affirmations! (If you don't ooooh at that moment like a panto audience, re-read the line and oooh, please. I'd find it quite amusing.) After you've done your 3 amazing things about yourself, stand there and tell yourself (OUT LOUD!) that you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are simply unique. This creates a positive connection in your brain so that whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, it will think, ahh, it's that gorgeous person again! Pretty cool, right?

3) Stop Comparing Yourself to others!

I know this is perhaps the hardest part. It really is, the best example I can give is one I still struggle with today. I can walk into any gym and feel completely inadequate because there are girls skinnier than me, stronger than me, prettier than me and in my all round better than me and it's a very damaging mindset to have. But what's helped me fight this is being able to rationalise these thoughts. At the end of the day (Now it sounds like an episode of Jeremy Kyle, what a great way to lower the tone of my blog!) You don't know what's going on in those people's lives, the girl who's skinnier than you could have a thyroid problem and is desperately trying to put weight on! The girl who's prettier than you may never see that, for all you know she could be looking at you and feeling the same way. You don't know the ins and outs of people's lives, their triumphs and failures. You just have to focus on being you, set yourself your own goals and be realistic about them, don't say, I'm going to get into competition shape when in reality you don't actually have the time or the financial capabilities at the time to do that, instead, say you're going to become fitter than you were last month. Put the blinkers on when you've established these goals and don't compare someone else's successes to yours because you are doing the best YOU can! And you should be proud.

4) Do more things you enjoy

The happier you are, the better about yourself you will feel. So get out there, or stay in but whatever you are doing make sure that it is making you feel happy. If you like knitting then knit away! If you like swimming, then go swimming every week. Just find something you enjoy because when you're at peace with the life you're living, you'll be at peace with yourself too.

5) Be proud of you and your work!

Whenever you do something awesome, like get an A in a test, don't beat yourself up by saying it was a fluke or saying it's not worth anything because it wasn't an A+, tell yourself that you're awesome and do something special for it, whether it's binge watching a series on Netflix, going for a nice meal or even just letting yourself relax for one hour. BE PROUD! I know for me, this is one of my main struggles after years and years of having to meet the expectations of others and just missing the majority of the time, it's very hard to accept when I've done something well, this is one of those situations to stop comparing yourself to other people too. I'm a dyslexic with dyspraxia and dyscalcula and I always wanted to be great at Maths, all my friends were A/A* students and I was just scraping Cs. One teacher saw how hard I was trying and he and his wife as my maths tutor, gave me the resources and to try at a higher maths exam, they didn't care what grade I came out with, they just wanted to give me the opportunity, in the end we settled on aiming for a B grade. And although I didn't get that grade overall, I got a solid B in that higher maths paper and I've always been proud of it! But of course, don't ever let any learning disability or otherwise stop you from achieving your goals, be determined but set realistic goals and then don't ever let go of them.

If this blog has helped you then please share, comment or like it. If you hated it well, I hope your mother taught you that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say it at all.

Please don't hesitate to contact me via Twitter @RebeccaByTheSea or by E-mail rebecca.j.a.goodwin@gmail.com. Have a great day!

On The Road to Positive Living: 4 Tips On How to Cut Out Toxic People From Your Life!

This blog post has been sparked by firstly, a conversation with a friend the other day and secondly, me being left alone too long in my room at uni and becoming nostalgic. Remembering all the people I once had in my life and why my circle has been persistently small and to an extent getting smaller for the last 3 years. And thirdly, because one of my long term resolutions as I get older is to live a more positive life so this is the beginning of a new blog series called "On the road to positive living." If this feels like a bit of an on-line journey to finding yourself you want to come on with me, then welcome aboard! (I can hear my Dad shouting in the back ground " Rebecca, you sound like a tree-hugging hippie!")

 Anyway... I have been cutting toxic people out of my life slowly but surely in the last few years and I'm feeling better everyday for it. But how did I end up with these people in my life? I have been informed that I am too kind a person, that I would give up everything to help someone in need if they need me at that very moment and this has allowed certain people to take advantage of me and my kindness, these people I have labelled toxic. However, you may be asking "Rebecca, what do you mean by toxic people?"

Well, quite simply, I define toxic people as those who do not support my dreams or goals and in fact do quite the opposite and completely bring me down, whether it's with their own pessimistic attitude towards life, bullying, controlling behaviour; Yes, it does happen in friendships not just among enemies.  These people seem to attract drama in their lives typically by creating it. This is typically a method of manipulation that can be utilised very easily, ever heard of the phrase "tugging at the heart strings"? Speaking from experience, being caught up in the drama of others can exhaust you mentally, physically and emotionally. Especially if these people are our friends, family or partner because you just want to help them as much as you can, which of course is natural so please don't feel any guilt about it if you recognise this behaviour! 


How to cut out these people:

I can tell you, this is not an easy process to say the least because the toxic person is usually someone close enough in your life to hurt you, it can be a close friend, a partner, a work colleague or even a family member but if they are making you feel that anxious or that depressed and you've tried talking to them about it then, you must be strong and close their chapter in your book of life. So I formulated some tips to try and help. If you thought that a new blog series would mean that I would get rid of my love for lists, then you thought wrong. 

1) Know your worth -

Typically, the toxic people in your life are themselves, damaged. Acting out and belittling you in order to make themselves feel better. But, you must remember that you are amazing, priceless and absolutely nobody has the right to make you feel insignificant. This self-confidence will be essential to taking this person out of your life and being able to move on.


2) Be persistent -

These people will probably try and stay in your life or continue to bring you down in order to make you stay, making you feel like you'll be completely alone if you don't have them in your life. This may even be a painful process for you if it's a long-term friend or relationship and it will be difficult at first but in the end you will feel freer and happier.


3) Don't isolate yourself -

Talk to new people. You have to be able to move on from who was weighing you down, create new and more positive, constructive relationships or take the time to strengthen the relationships with people who have a positive impact on your life because after all, positivity breeds positivity.

4) Learn to recognise toxic people in the future -

This is very important. We go through lives and things change, we can get new jobs with new people, new schools, new gyms and so on but we are constantly forming new relationships and as soon as you begin to identify the feelings you had from the last toxic person in your life, the quicker you can shed then off.